How to Talk About Values in Relationships

Why bring values into your relationships

When two people understand what truly matters to each other, conversations get easier, conflict softens, and connection grows. You don’t have to share the same values to build rapport—you need clarity, curiosity, and respect.

The Values Exchange: a weekly 10-minute game

Choose one person each week (partner, sibling, parent, close friend, or coworker). You’ll both do the following, without peeking at each other’s lists:

Write your top 3 values right now.
Guess their top 3 values.
They do the same (their own three + guesses about you).
Reveal and compare when you’re both ready.

Use a simple two-column table (Your Top 3 / Their Top 3). The goal isn’t to “win”—it’s to learn.

What to notice together

Where you matched: You’re seeing each other clearly—celebrate that.
Where you missed: Ask, “How did we miss this?” or “What makes this value so important to you?”
What evolves: It’s common for someone to say, “I didn’t realize that’s one of my core values—thank you.” Let lists update as you learn.

Make it practical

Once you know the other person’s values, start a conversation that honors them:

If they value beauty, share a story, article, or place that sparked aesthetic awe.
If they value growth, invite a small challenge or ask what they’re learning this week.
If you value peace, ask for a quiet walk rather than a noisy hangout.

This is how values turn into daily gestures that build trust.

Curiosity over conversion

You never need to “adopt” someone else’s values. Stay true to yours and be open to theirs. Curiosity turns differences into lessons rather than battles. That stance alone can transform a relationship dynamic.

Try it this week (script included)

Pick your person and send this note:
“Want to try a 10-minute values game with me? We each write our top 3 values and guess each other’s. Then we compare and talk for a few minutes about what we learned.”
Run the Exchange (lists + reveal).
Ask these prompts:
- “What did I get right about you?”
- “What did I miss—and what does that value look like in your day?”
- “What’s a small plan we could make that reflects one of your values (or mine) this week?”
Plan one values-aligned action you’ll do together in the next 7 days.

Why this works: You’re replacing assumptions with data, and turning that data into tiny, repeatable behaviors that say, “I see you.”

Reflection

Which person in your life would benefit most from a values conversation this week?
What surprised you the last time you learned something new about someone you thought you knew well?
What’s one small plan you can make together that honors their value and yours?

What to remember

Relationships thrive on being seen. Use the Values Exchange to learn each other’s priorities, start value-aligned conversations, and design small plans you both enjoy. Repeat weekly with different people—connection compounds.

— Sandro Formica, PhD

Founder of Permanently Happy (questions at [email protected])

Keynote Speaker | Transforming Leaders & Organizations Through Positive Leadership & Personal Branding | Director, Chief Happiness Officer Certificate Program