Permanently Happy

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers a transformative approach to interacting with others that can enhance relationships, reduce anxiety, and help you feel more connected. Let's explore how you can implement this powerful communication strategy in everyday life.

The Four Steps of Nonviolent Communication

The essence of NVC lies in four simple yet profound steps: stating the facts, expressing feelings, identifying needs, and making requests. When practiced consistently, these steps can transform how you communicate and connect with others.

Step 1: State the Facts

Begin by stating the facts without any judgments, interpretations, or assumptions. Describe what the other person has done or said clearly and objectively. This step is about focusing on observable actions, not evaluations. For example, instead of saying, "You never help around the house," you might say, "I noticed the dishes weren't done after dinner last night."

Step 2: Express Your Feelings

Once the facts are clear, express how you feel as a result. It's important to choose feelings that reflect your internal experience rather than blaming the other person. Instead of saying, "I felt ignored," you could say, "I felt sad" or "I felt anxious." This subtle shift helps maintain a focus on your emotions rather than attributing fault.

Step 3: Identify Your Needs

Determine what unmet need is causing your feelings. Needs are universal and can range from the need for understanding, support, or reliability. Expressing these needs can foster empathy and open communication. For example, "I feel anxious because I need more support in managing the household chores."

Step 4: Make a Request

Finally, make a specific, actionable request that can help meet your needs. It's crucial to be clear and direct, using an action verb. Instead of saying, "I need you to be more considerate," try, "Would you be willing to take turns doing the dishes every other night?" This approach increases the likelihood of cooperation and reduces defensiveness.

Putting Nonviolent Communication Into Practice

Imagine a workplace scenario where a colleague submits their part of a project late. Here's how you could apply NVC:

• State the Facts: "Last week, I received your section of the report one day after the deadline."
• Express Your Feelings: "I felt frustrated."
• Identify Your Needs: "I have a need for reliability and integrity in our work."
• Make a Request: "Would you be willing to submit your section 24 hours before the deadline next time?"
  
  

By focusing on your feelings and needs, you create a space for honest dialogue without blame.

Overcoming Common Challenges

Practicing NVC isn't always easy. You might encounter resistance or feel vulnerable when expressing your needs. Remember, the goal isn't to control others but to enhance mutual understanding. If a person is unwilling to meet your request, consider modifying it or gradually building trust through continued communication.

If you find that someone consistently fails to meet your needs, NVC can help you make informed decisions about that relationship. It's about clarity and understanding, not forcing an outcome.

The Personal Growth Aspect

NVC is as much about self-discovery as it is about communicating with others. As Sandro Formica explained, practicing NVC challenges us to understand our own feelings and needs more deeply. It reveals our brain's filters and assumptions, helping us grow more self-aware.

By committing to regular NVC interactions, you not only improve your relationships but also gain insights into your own communication habits. Aim to practice NVC in various aspects of your life—work, family, and friendships—and notice how your connections deepen over time.

Why Practice Nonviolent Communication?

The benefits of NVC are profound. It creates a win-win situation where both parties feel heard and respected, increasing the likelihood of having your needs met. Even when needs aren't met, the clear communication path allows for alternative solutions without conflict.

Start by committing to one NVC interaction each week across different areas of your life. With practice, you'll notice a significant improvement in how you relate to others and how they respond to you.

— Sandro Formica, PhD

Founder of Permanently Happy (questions at [email protected])

Keynote Speaker | Transforming Leaders & Organizations Through Positive Leadership & Personal Branding | Director, Chief Happiness Officer Certificate Program